Prosthetics and Princess Dress: Choosing special need adoption in India – An Indian Adoption (wordpress.com)
Yashmita and her husband are parents to two biological sons and they adopted their daughter in 2018. They chose to adopt in the ‘special needs’ category and soon brought home their 5-year old daughter who had lost one of her legs as a baby and is now learning to walk confidently via a prosthetic leg. Here is Yashmita’s adoption story in her own words.
What made you first think about adoption? And when did you and your husband decide to adopt your daughter?
I read about adopting a child in need during my college days – the idea appealed to me remained in my heart. I used to think that I will have one biological kid and will adopt my second child.
When I met my husband, I shared my desire to adopt a child. He was okay with adoption if we couldn’t have biological children, but was initially not comfortable with the idea of having both biological and adopted children. As time went by, I had my first son. Then during my second pregnancy my husband was eagerly awaiting a daughter and I had this prayer in my heart that God if it’s a boy again, please open doors for adoption. And so my second son was born. Even though we were happy and loved both the boys, we missed having a daughter. We started thinking about adoption again and this time my husband supported me. By the time our second son was a year old, we had decided that we would adopt a daughter.
What was your sons’ reaction when you told them you would like to adopt?
As soon as we had decided that we will adopt, we told our older son that he was going to get a sister soon. I like explaining things to my kids rather than just informing them, so I told my son that there are children whose parents cannot take care of them due to different reasons and have to leave the children in a ‘hostel,’ and we will get our daughter from such a hostel. Every day in our daily prayers we would pray for our daughter. When my younger son started understanding conversations, I also explained adoption to him. My older son is a very silent kind of boy, however my younger one is a vivacious boy, and he was the one who eagerly waited for his sister and would often ask when she will come home. So both our sons were comfortable with the idea of adoption.
How did you decide that you will adopt in the Special Needs category? What was your thought process?
Well we were sure that we didn’t want to adopt an infant, so we had selected the bracket of 2-4 years old child in ‘normal’ category. However, once the home study was done, I was able to see the list of children belonging to the ‘special needs’ category which is available to all PAPs (prospective adoptive parents). I would often browse through the children’s profiles in the ‘special needs’ list. I also used to read a lot on adoption and realised that the adoption rate among children with special needs is very low, which I felt is unfair. My husband also agreed that we should consider the ‘special needs’ category and that there are certain needs that we can support. One of the needs we were open to was children with loss of limbs. In the meantime, I also happened to discover the Families of Joy group and they also encouraged the idea of adopting children from the ‘special needs’ category.
What was the reaction of people around you when you told them your decision to adopt in the Special Needs category?
Before our daughter came home, we only informed our parents and siblings. They were concerned that it would be difficult for us to take care of a child with physical disabilities. However, none of them opposed us and only assured us of their support. Now they shower our daughter with so much of love and she enjoys being with them.
At 5 years of age, your daughter falls between your two sons. Was that planned?
Actually when we first thought about adoption, we desired the same equation, her being in between both our boys. But as the adoption got a little delayed, we thought she would be the youngest. Either was fine with us. And finally she is safely sandwiched between both her brothers! There is only one year gap between her and my second son, which has its own joys and challenges.
When you went through the Special Needs category and found your daughter, what was your initial reaction? Was it overwhelming?
I would go through the ‘special needs’ list often and would get very dejected seeing children with such struggles so early in life. There are hundreds of children in both the mentally challenged and physically challenged groups, so I could never go through all of them in one sitting. I would see a few children’s profiles every day and stop. One particular day I stumbled upon this lovely child — she looked so fresh, in spite of being in an orphanage she seemed untouched by the pain. Here I really want to thank the social worker at her SAA (Specialised Adoption Agency). Her photograph was very clear, she looked neat and tidy, and the reports uploaded were very clear as well. It was mentioned that her limitation was only the amputations and with the help of prosthesis she could lead a normal life. This was all we needed. Of course this was a major decision, so we both took our time and spoke to a few people who could throw more light. We believe in the power of prayer so spent time in prayer and then I called the social worker.
After your daughter came home, how did you figure out what type of support she needed for her special need? How was the learning curve?
My daughter has lost a portion of both her legs. Her left leg has been amputated from the knee and she has lost half of her right foot. Hence she needs prosthesis for both her legs. Her shelter had provided her with a setup which could give her mobility, albeit limited. Moreover she wasn’t trained in them well so she didn’t like using them. She was very comfortable on her knees and could do all her daily chores on her knees. After we got her home, we slowly encouraged her to use the existing prosthesis more. Day by day we increased her time with the prosthesis and slowly she got used to wearing it regularly. Before she came home, I had gotten names of some relevant doctors and good prosthesis manufacturing companies, though it was a learning process as we tried contacting different prosthetists. Soon enough we got the right prosthesis for her. Slowly she has increased her usage and now she is amazingly mobile; she loves to run around, jump, hop, dance and do so much more. We feel she is making up for the first five years of her life when she couldn’t do all the physical activities that other kids were doing.
Tell me about the bonding between your sons and your daughter. How did the kids react to each other initially? How has their bond developed over time?
My older son was eight years old when our daughter came. He understood adoption but his concern was that our love and time would now be divided. We explained to him that our love will not decrease for him, on the other hand, our love will be multiplied. My younger son always wanted a sister so he was very excited. Both of them would call their sister “Doll Pappa” – “pappa” means “baby” in Tamil. When our daughter came, a happy sibling equation was formed very quickly with my younger son. My older son took some time to warm up to her but with time he became comfortable with her and likes to play with her. Now all three are a good gang together — they help each other, have their sibling fights, overall they have bonded well.
How did your and your husband’s relationship with your daughter evolve in the initial months after the adoption? How are things now?
In the initial days we only wanted to make her comfortable and we knew that it’s a long journey ahead, so we were okay to take it slow. There were days which were very disheartening but there were more days of joy and achievements. Our daughter had no understanding of the concept of a family. She likened us to a new group of caretakers. So we would regularly tell her that we love her, how we were waiting and looking for her, that we happily brought her home as soon as we found her, and now we would never leave her. She would always stay with us as one happy family. We also understood that we as parents needed a tremendous amount of patience while dealing with her, and she needed time to understand and reciprocate our feelings. Now things are definitely better, she is happy when she is with us. And in the coming days we will continue to know and love each other more.
You had mentioned that initially your daughter picked up your younger son’s interests. So you also started helping her develop her own interests. How was that process?
My daughter had been in the orphanage ever since she was born, so her exposure to life was very limited. When she came home, playing with different toys and having different interests was very new to her. She would just follow what her brothers did, especially my younger son. I had to put some effort to introduce her to toys and also encourage her to do what she liked on her own. She could definitely take our help but she did not need to depend on us or her brothers to entertain herself. Over time this has helped her.
What are your hopes and plans for your daughter’s and your sons’ future? How has your life changed?
We believe that even though we are their parents, we play a limited role in the lives of our children, both biological and adopted. We endeavour to nurture them with the values and beliefs we hold dear and then let them lead their own lives in due course. Our prayers would always be with them and we will guide and provide help when they need it. We encourage our children to become God-fearing, independent and confident human beings above all.
Definitely we think about our daughter’s physical challenge, however we do believe that like every child she too is blessed with amazing talents and will find her own path. Our life has changed in ways beyond words. Me, my husband, and our sons have learnt so much from our daughter’s adoption. We believe our sons will become empathetic individuals who will learn to give back to the society. Those of us who are privileged enough to have stable comfortable lives can do a little bit by sharing our love and resources with the most vulnerable human beings, these lovely children.
I assume most people tell you that you are brave and extraordinary. How do you feel about that?
People do appreciate us for this decision, however I don’t give much importance to it. Frankly speaking, I have always been an individual who has not given much importance to what people around me have said, whether it’s appreciation or something else. I have strong convictions and beliefs based on my faith and that’s what matters to me. I believe every person should look beyond their own needs and desires and work together to make the world a better place.
Thank You Yashmita!
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