I was hoping I had a few more years before my child would say that I am not their real mother, or that they want to go to their first mother, or that they want another better family, in the midst of a tantrum. But these things don’t necessarily happen on fixed timelines.
So What Happened?
A tantrum over my kid wanting an item she didn’t need, exploded into a full blown meltdown. As my efforts to calm her down failed, I also got a bit frustrated and upset. And that’s when the comments came, ranging from me not being her mother, to her wanting to find a nicer mom.
What Did I Do?
Well, for some parts of it, I stayed quiet. If I didn’t know the right thing to say, I definitely didn’t want to say the wrong one. Then slowly some coherent thoughts formed:
I told her that all mothers get frustrated when their kids push their buttons, and frustration is not nice or desirable, but parents are also humans.
I joked about me doing all the gross things parents have to do, and hence that qualifies me as a mother. (That did get a brief smile out of her!)
I asked her what she wanted for dinner, trying to move the conversation along.
Did It Work?
She eventually calmed down but I don’t know whether it was because of what I said, or because the meltdown finally naturally ended. She did threaten to leave home but realized it was dark out, and decided that for now, she would rather stay.
It Ended Well
My daughter apologized for her comments. I promised to stay more calm going forward. Then, in the spirit of bonding, she showed me the stash of clean clothes that she had earlier thrown in the corner of her cupboard instead of folding. I took a breath and we folded the clothes together. Life went back to normal.
Will This Happen With You?
Not necessarily. Each child is different. But if it does happen, it’s okay. Some things I try to remember:
Don’t get angry or upset about the comments and don’t take them personally.
Sidestep the whole real mother/another mother thing. If you need to say something, talk about motherhood in general.
Know that it’s not about adoption at all. The child is having a normal meltdown or lashing out about something else — adoption is just an easy target.
As with any other argument/tantrum, sort out the issue at hand and move on.
Does It Worry Me?
Maybe. I obviously don’t want it to become a normal occurrence but I also don’t want to give in to everything the kids want, just to avoid a tantrum and the followup comments. For now, I think I will try to handle tantrums better so they don’t devolve, while fully realizing that it may not always work.
P.S.
I should mention while one of my kids was making the comments, the other one was sympathizing with me, which was weirdly cute. Now if they both start making these comments one day, that’s when you will find me hiding in a cave.
What Would You Do?
If you have more or better ideas on handling such situations, please share in the comments section. Be kind.
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